365 days

I brought you my broken pieces....when i felt like i couldn't breathe, you breathed your life into me. When i couldn't move, you picked me up and held me, when i couldn't sleep you gave me rest. you comforted me and made up for all I couldn't be or do..........because all i could do was be. You reached down and pulled forth not just the loss and pain from our baby boy, but all the hurts, losses, is appointments, and rejection that were hidden away......then you set  me high upon a rock and spoke into me.....you restored me and made me whole as you promised. You've brought healing to all our hearts and made us stronger and freer than ever before. I praise you for your faithfulness. I miss Joshua everyday he isn't here.....he'd be 8 months today.......my heart aches and longs every time I see a baby but you have made beauty from ashes and you keep me in peace.

Jessie and I went to the market yesterday to gather food to freeze for winter and to gather ingredients and such for Saturday's Annual Myers' Family Pumpkin Festival...
We took our time and looked at all the different kinds of gourds and pumpkins, compared sizes, shapes, and colors for a homeschool segment we are working on with comparison....I purchased my veggies, LOTS of them, and Jessie got her "market-day treat", a chocolate chip whoopie pie. 

On the way home we drove by a small park in Lititz, a little neighborhood park. "Can we go to the park, Mom?". I paused for a moment as a began calculating the to-do list I had awaiting me and said "scrap-it", let's go! Although it wasn't a planned stop or event, it proved to be one of the nicest days we spent so far this fall. God blessed my spontaneity and flexibility. 

The little park was nestled into a more mature neighborhood, maybe established in the 30's or 40's, one of my favorite time periods for homes because they are similar to where I was raised. There was a stream, a small playground and a little wooden fence bridge leading to a picnic pavilion. 

The breezy 60 degree air was perfect as the sun occasionally peaked out from behind the rolly gray clouds .... Falling leaves dropped from the autumn trees and slowly danced their way to the ground...the smell of fall was in the air and I tried to drink in as much of that familiar aroma as I possibly could...and the more I drank in the moment we were living, the more I was filled with peace and joy. 

We broke up the playtime with a sidewalk stroll through the neighborhood. The streets were lined with tall, old trees which provided the perfect amount of shade to keep us cool. As we walked through the neighborhood I was overwhelmed with a gentle yet undeniable sense of familiar, of home: sidewalks and trees and the style of homes like the neighborhood I knew so well as a child. Some of the leaves left stained imprints on the sidewalk which was beautifully buckled in spots......a woman who looked and dressed much like my mother greeted us from her porch chair....the trees towered overhead, dropping an occasional leaf. The residential street was silent of cars. It was just Jessie and me and the sound of crunching leaves beneath our feet as we made our way back toward the park:
       My senses caught me away to an autumn day walking home to Gramas and Grampa's after school, playing around as my friends Alison, Jon and I made our way through the "shortcut" across the cemetery.....Docksides and backpacks, hide and seek.....looking down at my feet as they crunched through every pile of leaves they encountered....

Jessie suddenly raised her knee in take-off style as she often does and then bolted on her "white horse" across the park field back to the slide.....but not before stopping by the bench to see if her orange and black, fuzzy wuzzy caterpillar was waiting for her to protect him.
A few more photos, deep breaths ingesting the autumn air, close my eyes to drink it in more deeply....then, with great reluctance, time to go.

Thank you Lord for creating that perfect, healing, nurturing moment!


"I will restore all things lost, make all things new. I will take what was broken and make them new."

Psalm 27:1-14 NIV
"The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear?
 The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? 
When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall. 
Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. 
One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. 
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock. 
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy; 
I will sing and make music to the Lord. 
Hear my voice when I call, Lord; 
be merciful to me and answer me. 
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek. 
Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; 
you have been my helper.
 Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. 
Teach me your way, Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. 
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, spouting malicious accusations.
 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; 
be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

I just read an article over at in(courage)me and it hit the nail on the head concerning something I have been trying to put into words for several years now. I have seen this phenomenon over and over and I have fallen prey to it myself more times than I care to admit. I've seen really good people stuck in a rut a long while because of it and it has such a hold on them they cannot see through the trees to let it go......
Lysa Terkuerst calls it "the rut of want" in her article on trying to understand and stand strong when opportunities appear to be knocking but God says "No". When this is accompanied by seeing others get exactly what you want (maybe with less less effort, less graciousness, less thankfulness, etc.). Sometimes it is so hard to see through the pain, disappointment, discouragement, and even rejection to be able to see the necessary character it is building within. We just want what we want sometimes to the point of obsession.......and that is when it gets dangerous.
What does the Bible say over and over developing perseverance, staying the course, developing faithfulness and patience...the proving of our trials will produce? The victor's crown of life, character, success, wisdom, and so on.....The books of Peter, James and Proverbs explain it loud and clear, if we have eyes to see and ears to hear. 
I love Lysa's quote. It made me stop and think for sure:
        Nothing kills patience like being solely focused on the object of your desire.  And tragically, impatience becomes the breeding ground for compromise. 

And so what IS the object of our desire. We all know it should be Jesus but what have we replaced it with? A house? an SUV? a job? weight loss? an achievement? recognition? a baby? new clothes? a designer purse, sunglasses, or shoes? And how do we compromise our character? By going into debt, cheating, creating an image, manipulating others, fad dieting, pressing our spouse until they give in and give us what we want...maybe spreading a rumor, stealing, maybe pushing someone else out of the way so we can have our own moment in the sun. In the end, it's all compromise. The bible tells us to simply "trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding.....". Jesus said, 'Trust the Lord and do good...". Proverbs and Psalms tell us repeatedly It's so easy to try to make things happen on our own when we feel God isn't working fast enough. It's so hard to trust in His promises when we are that focused on our wants. Lysa shares a story of her young daughter impatiently waiting for a cake to bake and, of course, removing it from the oven before it is fully done. Here is her summary:The cake couldn’t withstand the pressure of an undone center… and neither can we. 
If we obsess over the cake and make it our whole focus, character atrophies.  If we make growing in godliness our obsession and keep our focus on God, our character matures.  And a mature character makes for a solid and well done center.

I thank God everyday for the no’s He’s graciously allowed and continues to allow in my life.  I used to pray, “God, let me, let me, let me!”

I now pray, “God, please never let my success outgrow the character necessary to handle it.”There was a time when what others thought of me was so important I created a cover image over my whole life, a smokescreen. Certain achievements were thought to create certain material rewards and when they didn't, I worked tirelessly to make thing s look as though they did.We all did -- now how silly is that? The pressure it creates is unbearable. I've witnessed first hand numerous people, good Christian warriors, men and women of God, compromise their character just for a little recognition or to impress others with their so-called success. Unfortunately, when we are impatient, in this case, unwilling to persevere until true success comes on God's timing and in His way, we not only hurt ourselves, but we drag others down with us.  

I promise you, my friend, if you will step back a bit and really look at the situation from the perspective of truth, not based on perceptions or selfish wants, and ask God to help you see, He will open your eyes and lead you on the paths of righteousness and peace (Proverbs 3). And, if you persevere, continuing to keep your eyes on Him as the prize instead of the idol in your life, you'll find all you are looking for and more besides.

Here are a few power verses to help you win your battle:
Be assured  and  understand that the trial and  proving of your faith bring out endurance  and  steadfastness  and patience.  But let endurance  and  steadfastness  and  patience have full play  and  do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.  If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving
               God [Who gives] to everyone liberally  and  ungrudgingly,
               without reproaching  or  faultfinding, and it will be given
               him.  Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under
               trial  and  stands up under temptation, for when he has stood
               the test  and  been approved, he will receive [the victor’s]
               crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.                (James 1:3-5, 12 AMP)

So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books. (2 Peter 1:5, 7-9 MSG)


Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight. Blessed are those who find wisdom,
those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;
those who hold her fast will be blessed. The wise inherit honor,
but fools get only shame. (Proverbs 3:5, 6, 13-18, 35 NIV) 

Healing always comes.