Motherhood is such a special blessing. It is so much harder, so much scarier, and so much more wonderful than I ever knew it could be, and, even at the ages my children are today, it only becomes more fulfilling and more beautiful and complex of an experience.
Becoming a mother has tied me so much more closely to my own mother, who I miss so much. Each season I appreciate and love her more than ever before -- both of my parents: their sacrifices, their love, their hard work, and who they are. Raising children is a risk and I rarely feel that I am doing it right. I know both she and Dad often felt the same way.
This year has begun a new season of parenthood for me. It was time to let go of being a mother of infants and toddlers for the first time in over a decade and to embrace how beautifully , and sometimes painfully, my kids are maturing through adolescence towards adulthood. I love the depth of relationship we enjoy and the musical and friend interests...the shopping together and the conversations, the laughter and the time spent just hanging out. I love how they put up with my obsessive picture taking, Bible preaching, and how they indulge me extra hugs. I love the way we spend time together today and how we are growing closer than ever as a family. Sometimes, the older girls will even grab my hand and hold it as we stroll through the mall together!
But sometimes my heart aches for the pitter-patter of their little feet running across the floor, for the funny things little ones say or the way they mispronounce certain words like "vengtables" or "pasketti" , for them running around 1/2 dressed, for finding them trying to walk across the floor in my heels or Tony's sneakers, for picking them up to hug and hold them close...
My heart was lonesome for those days more than once this Christmas season when I had to bypass the Legos, Barbi's, Strawberry Shortcakes, and Playmobiles and head to the electronics aisle instead (boring!).
I have had to rescue my mind and heart this year from swooning in pools of regret -- all the things I wish I had done while they were smaller and didn't: that I didn't stop cleaning to play more ponies, build more Legos, play more hide and seek, do more crafts. It's really taken the ministry of Jesus' in my heart to help me just let it go, focus on the present and look to where we are going.....but mostly, to live in the present. How freeing that is!
As I surrendered my pain, my guilt, my loss to Him, He began to fill those voids with new experiences and deeper love and more fulfilling relationships with each child. He's creating a new season for us and He is taking us there Himself. It reminds of the words to a song: "You are my hiding place, you fill my broken heart with song...and I believe".
And so, now, being Mom is being a friend, a constant affirmer, being someone who continually tries to help each child see themselves the way God sees them, to see their gifts released, to teach them to seek after Him with their whole hearts (even when I get eye rolls). I'm someone to hang out with, someone to talk to and to listen...someone who is praying for them with a whole new sense of urgency and diligence. My days are full of extending grace, receiving grace, playing intercessor, letting them grow and learn, and discover -- sometimes pulling them back in a bit...and then letting the line out again. It's a whole new ebb and flow I'm learning and it's pushing me to new places in my won life as well. My perspective on nearly everything has changed dramatically these past couple years...and as my children continue to grow, so do I.
Becoming a mother has tied me so much more closely to my own mother, who I miss so much. Each season I appreciate and love her more than ever before -- both of my parents: their sacrifices, their love, their hard work, and who they are. Raising children is a risk and I rarely feel that I am doing it right. I know both she and Dad often felt the same way.
This year has begun a new season of parenthood for me. It was time to let go of being a mother of infants and toddlers for the first time in over a decade and to embrace how beautifully , and sometimes painfully, my kids are maturing through adolescence towards adulthood. I love the depth of relationship we enjoy and the musical and friend interests...the shopping together and the conversations, the laughter and the time spent just hanging out. I love how they put up with my obsessive picture taking, Bible preaching, and how they indulge me extra hugs. I love the way we spend time together today and how we are growing closer than ever as a family. Sometimes, the older girls will even grab my hand and hold it as we stroll through the mall together!
But sometimes my heart aches for the pitter-patter of their little feet running across the floor, for the funny things little ones say or the way they mispronounce certain words like "vengtables" or "pasketti" , for them running around 1/2 dressed, for finding them trying to walk across the floor in my heels or Tony's sneakers, for picking them up to hug and hold them close...
My heart was lonesome for those days more than once this Christmas season when I had to bypass the Legos, Barbi's, Strawberry Shortcakes, and Playmobiles and head to the electronics aisle instead (boring!).
I have had to rescue my mind and heart this year from swooning in pools of regret -- all the things I wish I had done while they were smaller and didn't: that I didn't stop cleaning to play more ponies, build more Legos, play more hide and seek, do more crafts. It's really taken the ministry of Jesus' in my heart to help me just let it go, focus on the present and look to where we are going.....but mostly, to live in the present. How freeing that is!
As I surrendered my pain, my guilt, my loss to Him, He began to fill those voids with new experiences and deeper love and more fulfilling relationships with each child. He's creating a new season for us and He is taking us there Himself. It reminds of the words to a song: "You are my hiding place, you fill my broken heart with song...and I believe".
And so, now, being Mom is being a friend, a constant affirmer, being someone who continually tries to help each child see themselves the way God sees them, to see their gifts released, to teach them to seek after Him with their whole hearts (even when I get eye rolls). I'm someone to hang out with, someone to talk to and to listen...someone who is praying for them with a whole new sense of urgency and diligence. My days are full of extending grace, receiving grace, playing intercessor, letting them grow and learn, and discover -- sometimes pulling them back in a bit...and then letting the line out again. It's a whole new ebb and flow I'm learning and it's pushing me to new places in my won life as well. My perspective on nearly everything has changed dramatically these past couple years...and as my children continue to grow, so do I.
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